The milion pounds conundrum

SUBMITED TO A SHORTS COMPETITION

2017 (5 Min. Comedy)

A family of welfare receivers ponderĀ  about what they would do with fictional Lottery money till they find out that actually winning could mean the end of their comfortable lives.

The million pounds conundrum

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Average British home. Bit messy. Dynasty of Welfare-Receivers.

HENRY (late 40s) is enjoying his beer in front of the telly – LOUD football.

We hear the front door opening – BAGS RUSTLE – we hear the door closing. SILVIA (housewife, early 40s) enters the room holding groceries.

HENRY

(burps)

What took you so long?

SILVIA

Long line at the bank.

HENRY

You bought my beer at the bank?

Silvia takes out a 6-pack of beer from her bag, hands it over to her husband.

Henry grunts satisfied. He drops the empty can on the floor, opens a new one.

Silvia goes to the kitchen. Sounds of her unpacking: fridge door opening, bottles clinking, bags rustle.

HENRY

Got any crisps?

SILVIA(O.O.V.)

Coming, love.

HENRY

What business did you have at the bank anyways?

Silvia comes back with a bag of crisps. Takes a seat on the couch. She opens the bag of crisps. Chews as she speaks.

SILVIA

I opened an account so they can just wire us the money.

Tired of waiting hours in line with the low-life of this country to pick up our checks at the welfare office.

HENRY

So what, we gotta pay bank taxes for that account now?

SILVIA

I did the math, love. It’s cheaper than me buying 2 bus tickets every month to go pick up the checks.

Henry thinks about what she said. She is right. He nods pleased.

HENRY

That’s my smart woman.

SILVIA

Oh, well then you’re gonna love this, love!

Silvia rushes to the kitchen, we hear how she searches through the bag.

Henry looks after her curious.

Silvia rushes back on the couch, shows him a LOTTERY TICKET.

He frowns.

SILVIA

So what we gonna do with a million pounds, love?

HENRY

Silvy, how many times do I have to tell you, buying a ticket does not guarantee you the money. That’s coming out of your check.

Henry goes back to watching the telly.

SILVIA

Well if it’s coming out of my check, then all the money will be mine when I win.

HENRY

What are you going to do with that much dough anyways, Silvy? You gonna buy a golden telly?

SILVIA

That is something you would buy.

Henry ponders. He closes his eyes and smiles while imagining —

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY, IMAGINATION

Henry sits on the same couch, wearing sunglasses and a crown, surrounded by hundreds of beer cans and bottles. Watches football on a television made out of gold.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Henry is still day-dreaming.

Silvia pouts.

SILVIA

What are you thinking about? I am not sharing any of the money.

Henry opens his eyes, looks at his wife less upset.

HENRY

We’ll go fifty-fifty.

He reaches his hand to shake on it. She does the same.

They shake hands.

SILVIA

I’ll make a list of the things I’m going to buy!

Silvia looks for a pen and a piece of paper.

HENRY

Oh, I know exactly what you’re gonna do with the money.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY, IMAGINATION

Silvia sits of the couch wearing a fur coat, sunglasses. Her head is in a hairdryer. She drinks a cocktail with the right hand, Henry is doing the nails on her left hand. Henry looks unhappy about it.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Silvia is writing her list, Henry reads it over her shoulder.

HENRY

Mercedes? Why you want a car for? You don’t even know how to drive.

SILVIA

I’ll have enough money to hire someone, duh.

HENRY

You know what? I’ll drive you around for free. I’ll need one of those fancy caps. Write it down.

We hear the front door open – WALKING SOUNDS – the door closes. Their son, DAN (early 20s, split image of his father) enters the room

DAN

What the hell are you doing? Where’s my dinner?

Silvia waves the ticket in front of Dan.

SILVIA

We’re gonna win a million pounds, Danny. We are planning how we’re gonna spend it.

DAN

(snorts)

Well then, you can start by giving almost half of it to the government.

HENRY

Why the bloody hell would we do that?

DAN

It’s taxes, pop. Those vultures are just waiting to profit on your hard earned cash.

SILVIA

It’s alright, love. Still loads to buy with half a mill. A Mercedes isn’t that expensive.

DAN

(laughs)

A Mercedes? You know what the insurance for such a car would cost you?

The parents look at their son confused.

DAN

And you know you have to pay for the petrol, right? Cars don’t drive on air.

(beat)

And you can kiss your welfare good-bye.

SILVIA

What!?

DAN

Well with all that money you ain’t gonna qualify for it anymore. They’ll strip it away for good.

Henry pulls the lottery ticket out of Silvia’s hands.

HENRY

I knew this was going to be trouble!

Henry rips the ticket in half and throws it on the floor.

HENRY

Now go make dinner for your boy!

Silvia runs upset into the kitchen.

The two men start chatting on the couch.

FOCUS ON the ripped TICKET on the floor. The numbers are: 23-6-31-12-32-40.

The telly runs in the background.

HOST(V.O.)

(on TV)

And the lucky numbers are: 23-6-31-12-32-40! Some lucky winner is going to have a hell of a night!

FADE OUT.

THE END

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